Travelers Log

I feel like my mind is blocked. Around the clock. I can’t stop pacing to see what time it is. It’s draining every ounce of pleasure I get out of every lasting moment. This day, like most days has dragged along way too long.

I just wanna choke out the sun. Let it go down. Let it be done. Pull through and close my eyes to a new me and a new you. I wanna be done with looking at what’s left of the day cause when I look at this picture I see opportunity has done wasted away… or rather not really opportunity but reality cause I was supposed to be doing something better at the moment.

But rather I’m sitting here in my chair, done with my PS3, done with my work. Done with internet and music. For my appetite none of this really works. I just wanna be done with this. If only I could pull from this. Blow out candles and make a wish, but I’ve heard people say that you can’t have your cake and eat too.

But I’m so tired of sitting. I just wanna get up, but I can’t afford to move. Cause if I keep refreshing the internet something new might happen or maybe if I restart my video game new scenarios might come up that only I get the opportunity to play out and enjoy the consequences myself.

But the fact is is that sitting here has it’s own consequences. I’ve been sitting around thinking about it, messing with these ideas, and playing with them painting a picture of what I probably won’t deliver. It’s too easy to sit here and live an ideal situation anyways where I get to paint up a fantasy and play with it. I guess that’s why I love playing role playing video games. But not SIMS. That’s just weak.

I wanna have a sword in my hand and conquer these lands, and I have burning desire to do it… but only if it’s in a video game cause I don’t wanna lose my life to do it. Or maybe if I could be building something sweet and live off that money for the rest of my life. Or what if I could save up enough to travel and see all the beauty that’s out there. Take some pictures and make some new memories. Meet new people and I can have plenty of exotic and beautiful sequels.

But in wishing I could travel I’ll have to keep leaving each new place, cause in worldly things or places I’ll grow tiresome or bored at times. Sometimes I might even want a new home. A new place to settle and call home. If only there was a island that I could call my own.

As if my heart needed a new home. As if my soul has been all the while left to be tiresome and left roam. Maybe I was meant to be restless. Maybe in this last moments I've squandered something with trying to reason out my own fate. Maybe the picture is bigger than these last couple of hours and the next ten years I'm trying to deliver on in fear.

Fool. Foul has been the approach. Foul is the desires that try to encroach. Foul is the demanding of God’s legacy reprimanding as I sit idly by with my stories and idolatries demanding. A toast to the former self and the self I wanna make for myself. A toast left to make, and a glass for the simple left to take. A beautiful brew I’ve been stewing in my mind filled with folly.

But folly has a trapped door. As I find myself growing older I’ve begun to implore. Have I, your servant, been really all that faithful? Or have I allowed my true nature to get rubbed away from the desires and pleasures I’ve left to become simple and to grow weary.

Not in age. Not in experience. But in vision, cause I have no idea what I was really supposed to become. And I’m not saying that I wasn’t listening. You God choose when to speak. But God if I had paid more attention to your word and its’ message on the Great Commission and the letters written, maybe then I would have chosen wisdom and understanding of what it means to truly and utterly live to the fullest.

Like a finger print being rubbed out if I can’t move to your beat, my true nature will also disappear without a trace to the dusty, blindly led paths I’ve taken with these feet. Like a finger print getting rubbed off, so too will I never be able to identify what it was I was really supposed to do. I can’t misuse life. There are choices to choose. So choose to be living and know the God who knows your past to be so forgiving. .

SOUL SCRUBBING

You are justified in every action. To your view there can only come satisfaction. You O’ Lord scrub your wisdom on my foundation to give me better traction. My faith. I need clarity. Please

I’ve been shaken violently, thrown to my knees. Tryin to cast aside this disease. I need a breaker. I need the hammer and the torch. I need strength and a light. Open up my assured night. Cause the only way I can ever have assurance is in you and your Justified fight.

Please. Break my simple truths. Break me from my chains constructed from the experiences of my youth. Pull me from this dark, dank, clouded room. In your presence I need to be utterly consumed, profound.

Resume. Resume. Come to me O’ Groom that I have for too long walked away from the wedding, not looking for the transcending plains. Heaven and earth becoming a flamed. I have not been paying attention. I’ve been blinded by utter dissension.

And you said you had plans for me. Show me your majesty, majestic blessing. Show me words that stay caressing. Show me your grace that my hearts desire lays pressing.

I’ve got chains. Everybody has em. I’ve got chains, but I need change. They are huge, and they are the snake that grabs my throat and I violently choke. They choke out your Son in me, and I’ve for too long come undone. IT’s to you that I want to run. But I keep coming back to this room, cause I feel often that there is something in here that I lack. And then I place myself at the pedestal of token, idolatry. I place myself the footstool of adultery. Self-loathing then consumes me and I’m left once again choking.

I wanna run from this. It’s my everyday wish. But today I did the least that I could have yet again. I played my life in the setting where I just can’t win. Can you please help me to start over again? I’ve misjudged my life because of my wrong doings and sins. I need to see clearly yet again. Bring a cloth and scrub my eyes. Rub the dirt from my soul.

This shell is all but empty and has taken it’s toll. Grab a hold and a mass yourself unto me. I need to feel your presence yet again. Token idolatry is wearing me thin. I need to stop trying to climb these mountains of my desires again and again.

I can’t breath anymore. Show me please, show me there are desires that are better than these. Something more. That you God have something better in store.

Please implore. Present to me your scope. Because right now it seems like I’m unwilling to cope.

This is my prayer. That I’d find myself looking for you rather than this thing that leaves me dead, impaired.   –Dec. 21, 2010

LHOP

I went to Livingstone House of Prayer tonight. It was pretty chil. I have never just went anywhere alone like that. Going places alone can be really awkward or weird. Like going out a sit down restuarant by yourself, or bowling. You try to do those types of things with people. Fellowship, and friendships. But this instance was not that type of fellowship deal. This was just me and God, coming together at some place I've never been before and talking a while. It was really nice. I generally have my favorite spots for praying and reading my bible. They both are in Elizabeth City. They both are outside. 1) it's December and it's cold. 2) I'm in Virginia on break. I'm really big on emphasizing that GOd is everywhere. He isn't contained to temples or church's or anything like that at all. He is all powerful and moves and speaks when and as He chooses. But I'm tired of distractions, and I wanted an outlet to pray and read my bible. I get to this place, and at first I thought it was going to be this huge building. Or at least an old brick building. Like some old school church that's got candles burning everywhere, and dude's in cloaks. :)   I dunno. hahaha. But it wasn't. Basicly it's just a room that's a part of a brick building where Nuns used to stay. It's now run and owned by a group of church's next to one of the church's. Just chil I guess. You go in this one little room with the door unlocked and you find like 40 chairs at the most. There's paintings and art on the wall with scripture and words of praise and reflection on them. There is background music playing, and I hear they even have live worship music at times. Just chil. Nothing spectacular. All barriers broken. Nothin to fantasize about from the eye's view here. JUST WHAT I WANTED!
I sit down and pray for while. Open up my bible and read. Pray some more and read. PRay. Leave. This place is perfect for getting away from distractions and really focusing. Probably gonna go back tomorrow. There was only one other person there while I was there. He left after twenty minutes. I wasn't greeted or anything. And really I didn't want to be. I wasn't there for fellowship. I'm not a wilderness guy, but that doesn't mean I can't get away somehow for time with God.

I'm GOING TO CAST SOMETHING!!!

I want a real commission that brings me lasting ambition. I want a hopeful incision that brings me real vision. I want your wisdom that can bring in clarity. I want Godlike love that casts real sincerity.

I want to be a living sacrifice that holds no crown. I want to be a part of a real legacy, that you God, passed down. Cause in the end the tasks of this world perish, and every prideful man who loses their life may be found.

I wanna get caught up groaning, when my sins are all found in atoning. I wanna cry out to God and turn from sins and self-loathing.

The fact is is that I want better days. I want sweet rays of pigmentation to give me sweet sensations instead of with cancerous radiation. I wanna feel your warmth as you hold me here Dear Loved. I will not abandon the One, God of love.

I’m stuck in my tracks and I need a good shove. I need to be pushed from my back. I need be moving, cause that’s really what I lack. Push me. Move me. Dare me. Mar me. Scar me. Bludgeon me. Do it willingly. Cause I fickle and tried be. I need to be moved to see clearly.

These legs were made for walkin. But all the while I continually just find myself talkin.

Oh, sure, I’m gonna move for God. Watch me strap prayer on my back. Put sweet words in my sack. Make a plan of attack. Glory I will surely stack. There is nothing that I lack. Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing too big or too small.

Wake up. In your bubble bursting you’ve had a great fall. You’re ego swelled and you’re not that tall at all. You thought you were living. But you find out is that you’re living when you’re truly giving. Either you give way or you allow yourself to give way.

By the way recognize the One God who repays. Today is the day the Lord has made. This is His harvest. These are His vine and branches. This is His world. We are all His boys and girls.

So next time if you wanna move. Pray for strength and take a step. Take a move. Realize if your faith is big enough you truly have nothing to lose. This is your choice so choose.

Baptism is a step of commitment. Honey, it’s your choice if you wanna stick with it. Retirement is never really set in stone. But only through atonement will you never have to again make hard choices alone.

But recognize the life chosen. You have purpose. You have pleasure. You have callings that will put you in bad weather. You have ambition. You have been cast with God’s branding and incision. You have vision. You have testimony. You have love, mercy, kindness, everlasting life, and grace.

 Now grace filled, go out and tell this place. He has risen. He has come. The Son has come to one and all. He will pick you up whenever you fall. No little bruise can withstand His might. No demons in your closet can thwart His awesome, incredible might. My God is the only way, truth, and light. Now in this life because of His might, I’ll continually cast His light. For when I allow myself to become nothing I can finally do what is right.

WILD TREE GROANS

In sweet love I roamed Thought only to last a while.

Sweet indurance I groaned. My life Categorized, Filed.

In check and not out of place.

But how am I? That I, A man, Can’t get stinkin wild!

Not letting my ways get Old, decreped, Defiled.

I once was 5,6,7,8,9. It was good. Life was fine.

Feeling like everyday was lived in heaven

Beating on pots and pans. Playin in my momma’s garden

Watching the swaying of the trees Tall, Strong, Induced into soil.

Rain and sun spoiled , Trees swaying, Out of tune and place. Not even with a pace. And yet it was beautiful.

To their own rhythmic dance Cascading up and down.

The most beautiful sky. It made me feel so nonexistent And high.

My thoughts were ripe for making. Ripe for the taking

As I was transcending into the plain of imagination and make-be-leave.

As in LEAVE MY MIND ALONE. RYAN ISN’T HERE NOW. ADVENTURE

Blows my mind

You wanna know what’s wild? When my minds gets blown.

Like when I put chick-fa-le sauce on Papa John’s Pizza My mind gets blown.

Like when I set on the swing at school Looking into the grimed muked river. My mind gets blown.

My brain cells get thrown against. And around the edges and corners Of every thought I’ve ever had

Cause I’ve  experienced something new. A different taste. Something grew.

No matter, Even if I’ve come there before.

A new life. A new day. A new context. A new heartfelt prayer.

Growing in the arms of love. Groaning in my existence.

At times. Yeah. Sure. I’ve done that.

But in moments like these My mind is rampant And wild.

I wanna take a bubble bath With my legos. And make battle ships.

And then eat cinnamon mini’s egos Like I did when I was a kid.

5,6,7,8,9. Those aren’t the times.

I’ve misconstructed myself in some way. It’s what that I’m missing today.

It’s my mojo And wildness And my groove.

Yeah sure. I remember when the trees used to move To the offset groove,

But life isn’t offset. It’s planed.

God made it. Constructed it into man.

Therefore I am.

I am here! I am here! In wildness and in fear.

I’ll follow. Where do you lead me? Cause I wanna be wild again

Wool Clothing

Truly O’ Soul Breather

You are things I can’t imagine

Too amazing for me to know

Sow

Reap

Digging ever Deep

Is your touch

Bringing the nothing out of me

And putting yourself into me

Pleasant Giver

Deliverance

Existence

And preoccupied

Lifestyle

All compiled in this young one

To call me son

You are too amazing for me to know

You’ve founded your own; God

The earth is yours

Everything

To show your power

Establishing in the wind and waves

Your force

Is movement

You put everything

Everything into existence

Making it shine

We are a glow light

That can’t try to be a bright

As a dimed new moon night

And yet in you

I’m bright white

Cover sum,

Clothing

My coat

Has many colors

That can be seen by many others

And some only by you

My choice having to bring out and blend

My choices to send

The consequences you make that mend

Into my rights and wrongs

Whether colors show,

And what and how they go

You are not far from me

Indeed it’s not even that you’re coming

Even though your Son is coming

And to heavenly gates I come running

My coat

Has many colors

Drenched in the experiences I’ve made

Tailored to fit my form you gave

I might be bright

But I wear this coat

That’s why I’m in humility

And in myself nothing to gloat

I mix and match

Take paint and markers

And if something severe happens

I even pick up a new patch

Not by my own choice to wear the coat itself

I’m stuck in this life

No backing out

But it’s my choice how it looks

Does it look

Loving?

Like memories of giving and thanks

Or is it blooded, blotched?

Like sin and nothing anyone wants to see

But I’d dare

Dare say

That many of the same disease

Capsize in the deadliest of seas

Choosing to wear their own dreadful snare

Truthfully

Spirit willing

Do you find wearing flesh

So fulfilling

Or is it your hopes and purpose

That it’s killing

I’m meant to live for so much more

Different colors I was made for

Do I brand in hand

Mark myself to carry my sins

In this land?

Or to your goals

Can my fears be fanned?

Where you, Lord,

Are all of my plans

Please

Draw all over me

Color me

Not petite and meekly

But boldly

Mold me

Place these bloodied burdens

Unto my bludgeoned shoulders

As I find myself getting older

May my testimony be that

Of a crammed folder

Cause I’d rather carry a bloodied cross

Than to consider this coat as loss

Who, what, and how do I let people think of my God?

Dear Love; - part 2

Dear Loved, Part 2;

Love is the reason we persevere through every season. Even when we are in our lows.

Love is the reason I horde over my love to you. My heart for you. Even when I am unconscious I am still a part of you. Carrying onward through the darkest of times.

I, with my desires and pleasures have been constructed for love. I with my desires and pleasures have been constructed to adorn and serve, with sincerity and clarity and wise incision of the high standard set apart for a bride as a part of THE BRIDE for Christ alone.

Beauty is found through the eyes of the beholder. But I will make sure that when I behold her, I’ll see her through purity and not something to be grasped.

But in this time I will not find new gain from outside your plans. I’m not in a relationship for sexual gain and I’m not in this to be vain. You’re not my vanity mirror either. You’re not the one who is gonna make me or take me to new heights. I promise that you alone, God are what’s in sight. You are my reason in height.

I can live alone in the darkest of nights. Cause in you I’m bright white. Substantial restlessness might take me over, but I will continue in the season of fleshed out love to be sober. My intimacy is yours. My hopes and triumphs our yours. And even though I want to share them with another, like you there is no other.

I know you are jealous for me and I revere you, so I’m not gonna break my seal with adultery and idols. I will caste my schemes aside and to your reality to go I ride. I wanna be a part your plans, bed stricken I am, but this type of comfort doesn’t have to be a part of your plans cause relationships in this world have an ending. Even though I truly do want one to be beginning.

I’ve seen women with real vision, with your commission. I’ve seen them with your branding and incision and they too have taken up their Ebenezer stone for you. And I want such a stone with them. So far you have helped us. So maybe your consecration can dwell with us. But really that isn’t a must. It’s in you O’ Father that I trust. Cause fickle people, as we all are, are all busts.

Busted, and bruise. My hearts battered in used, and might even allow myself to be suffocated all the while with my own words as I finally wait for these words to be heard by such a rarity, but you Lord hear them. And even though I can’t see my future if it has "said woman" with it you God still will provide clarity. That in itself is not a fallacy, but rather just you tellin me what I am here.

I’ve set my standards so high and at times I wonder why. Opportunities just continue to pass by, and I’ve even met people I was willing to love, but you God are the only one who deserves love. I deserve none, but you gave some, sent your Son, and my snare came undone. That there is no worthwhile prize that can be won. Only cheap ones already undone. Since your selection is obviously not one that should be taken likely or shuned, may it be your selection that to whom I run.

So unnamed hopeful, if you think I'm gonna overdose on these new experiences your sadly mistaken. To live my own life, with God's direction. Lady, that's where I'm taken. I'm sorry if that lead's you alone and shaken. But recognize God's got plans for you. SO you, loved, are also taken.

Dear Sovereign 12/8/2010

Christianity

Is like an orchestra

And group of one

Each feeding off the others

Breathing sweet music

Into one beautiful sonnet

And we connect with a group of notes

That can pierce the hearts and souls of people that see us

But who is it that’s seein us

Who is recognizing our song

The last time I tried to play a line with the trombones

We were out of tune and note

And the bass players were afloat

And not really not caring what was really going on at the moment

But enough of these little analogies

But let’s just give ourselves a logical cause

To move in His groove

Church

Bride of Christ

Are we walking together with lives that are pleasing to the Father

Are we good enough to called His Son’s and Daughters

Will He ever say “Well done faithful and true”

I’ve have set myself apart just for you O’ Sovereign. We let our pleasures and hearts often

And there in lies the forgotten message. We lie within ourselves. Tellin ourselves that it’s okay to do what we want

There isn’t a certain tune I have to play

It’s not about His ways

Today. Today. I gonna have a taste of this world. Fill up in it. Delight in it. I’d rather fight for this than a true, God given reality

My frailty is often at times that I’m living a lie and I don’t want people to recognize that I’m livin a lie. But if I really cared that I was livin a lie and admitting that I was livin a lie I think I would just tell somebody today.

And I’ve given the ability to carry a tune. A fine tuned structure I’ve been made from. And I have to say I see His hands often trying to pull that way, but I struggle and fight for my very own every day.

Life is easier when you are willing choke hold yourself with death

And I remember in ninth grade when I thought about putting myself in my own grave. Digging the deepest pit in my heart. I was insecure and broken and tired of living.

I thought “If I could just die right now would anyone miss me? Would any one dare to care if I wasn’t there? I don’t think they really would? No one cares about a kid with few to no talents anyways? I thinking on put my talents six feet in the dirt where they belong.”

And even though I didn’t kill myself during that month of depression I struggled in a year in which there was a recession in which I wanted to end my life, partially at the least.

I’ve thought about my mom and what she would have said if I laid there dead, or even if I had told her what I was thinking 6 years ago. I don’t think it would been very fun. Her eyes would have been covered with tears and she would have opened up with all of her fears tryin to hold me here.

And God wants to catch me from this. Cause from sin comes death and I playing with it like it were some toy. Satan has given me ploy after ploy. And in folly I stupid enough to think it brings me joy.

My pleasures are killing my spirit willing. Someday I should try out His style and maybe I can find it thrilling and often I get this sense when I play with poison that my salvation is spilling out of my soul. No, I’m not that kind of theologian, but God gave me a gift and instead of keeping in it I often run outside into the world in which I chastise my religion and beat myself out of submission.

I’m painting myself red, cutting out my eyes. God!!! Give me vision! Sometimes from this world, maybe I need to be chastised. God has always recognized and been eyeing me. He sought, bought me, wants me. Cries for my death as momma would have if she had seen me. But God sees me as I kneel down in front of His Son’s cross, persecuting the One who ascended above. First he scorned temptation, shame and then death. The One whome, I, a pleasure giver, am called to love.

I am here O’ Sovereign. I am broken. There is my token of appreciation that has gone too long unspoken. I am Son, family, and friend. And I’ll keep trying my best to the very end. Please keep sending your love good friend.

First Beat Poet Reading

I went to the local coffee shop tonight for an open mic night. It started out with these older guys playing songs and it was just chil. Maybe like 15 people there. I was nervous for a while until I just started sanging along with the band. It was just chil. I got up to the mic. The whole time I was just eating the mic... and it wasn't mine. hahaha And I'm sick... pretty sure I might have killed someone. WHo knows. I wasn't too nervous reading. Actually I wasn't apathetic or anything. I was just reading my stuff. First time so; I need to work on delivery, slowing down, and just opening into my own words and just grabbing hold of them. We'll just see how it goes down the road. Hitting up like 3 or 4 coffee shop's open mic nights over break.

My first blog page

Cool deal. I have no idea how this works and who all really views this stuff, but I gotta give this whole blogging thing a try to have a real view on it. We'll see.